What is the role of the Relative Female in a relationship?
In the last few days leading up to the writing of this article, I have been charmingly interrogated by ladies trying to find out what I planned to write about. The feeling I have been getting from them has made me a little nervous and wary. I know that I, as a man, don’t particularly appreciate it when a woman tries to tell me how to be a man. I mean… what does she know about it… after all she’s a woman?!? Well… I guess the women have been feeling the same way about me writing this article.
I am going to attempt to relate the Role of the Female in a Relationship… as we relate it to the lady’s role in the Tango. Now when I was in Buenos Aires, all the teachers there told me I danced better as a lady than as a man… this doesn’t mean I am a better woman than any of you ladies out there… but it does mean, perhaps, that I do have an understanding of the lady’s role in the Tango… and if you think, after my Write Up last week, that I understand the man’s role pretty well… then maybe the ladies can feel confident that I will do their Role justice this week!
So what is the role of the lady in a Tango and how does this relate to the role of the relative female in a relationship?
Well… “The man leads… and the lady follows.” The lady follows!
What is the lady following? Firstly: the lady must follow her heart. A lady must get a “Feeling” about what is about to happen. Our man, from last week, has come over and asked her to dance. She must feel what’s in her heart. It’s why I say “the Female is intuitive.” Intuition is getting a “Feeling” about something. If she gets an uncomfortable feeling about dancing with our Man, she should refuse dancing with him. She doesn’t even need a reason. If her intuition tells her “No”, she should listen! You have to learn to trust your feelings… because if you can’t trust your feelings ie. yourself - who can you trust?
So, trust your feelings and go with your heart, because – as discussed last week in the article “What is the role of the relative male in a relationship?” – if you do say “Yes”, you have to back it up with an equal amount of “Commitment” - the second aspect of the role of the relative female. And that often means you don’t have the luxury of saying “No” again! To say “No” is to withdraw your commitment… and if you are not committed to your relative male… you can never expect him to be committed to you.
However, you may feel that you have to - or want to - say “No” once you have already committed to your relative male… but how do you do that without him feeling you are withdrawing your commitment?!? We’ll get to learning how to say “No” without saying “No” soon enough. This is the third aspect of the role of the relative female – “Resistance”.
So, as we can see, the first aspect of the role of the relative female is “Feeling” or “Intuition”. How does this work in relationships? The example I like to use, assumes that we know our relative female is intuitive and we trust her intuition. So… as the relative male lead, I suggest we take a drive to Durban for the weekend and spend some time at the sea. (I initiate the move, my suggestion, therefore I am the relative male in this instance.) I know my girlfriend likes Durban, and needs to get away to get some rest and relaxation. But, to my surprise, she says she doesn’t want to go… and makes feeble excuses like: she plans to wash her hair this weekend, and, besides, “who’s gonna look after the cat while we’re away?”
I’m hitting “Resistance”… my female is not contained... but what has happened - really?
Trusting that my girlfriend is intuitive and not taking her rejection of my plan personally… I start to wonder what it could be that makes her feel uncomfortable about going away for the weekend… but I can’t work it out… there’s no clues in her resistance as to what is wrong with my lead… but I don’t force the issue… I don’t dominate her and drag her off to Durban anyway. I leave it alone.
Two weekends later she comes home and says: “Remember you wanted to go to Durban a few weeks ago? Let’s go this weekend!” suddenly she’s not worried about the cat and little things, like washing her hair, aren’t getting in the way.
I believe that this is what happened. Trusting that my girlfriend is intuitive, I assume she got an uncomfortable feeling about going to Durban two weeks ago, because something was wrong then. Perhaps if we had gone to Durban then we might have had a car accident on the way down… or maybe our place would have been burgled. Who knows where a woman’s good or bad feelings come from… and who knows what it is that gives them these feelings? The fact is: the Female is intuitive and she gets a feeling about things.
Now, it’s two weeks later and suddenly she feels good about going to Durban for the weekend. Maybe, now, that time has moved on, all the circumstance that would have lead to us having an accident, or a burglary, have changed… now the time is right to go to Durban. The most important thing the relative female can do - is trust her “Feelings”. It will keep her – and her relative male - out of trouble… and so, it is important, too, for the relative male to trust his female's feelings.
So let’s say our Lady feels good about our Man, and she decides she does want to dance with him… now the next aspect of the Female’s role comes into play. “Commitment!”
When a lady agrees to dance with a man, she is making a commitment to work with him to create the best possible Tango they can for the next three or four minutes. In relationships the same is required. If you, as the relative female, agree to follow a particular male’s lead, you must be committed. It’s why our employers write up contracts to retain our services until the end of said contract… or why a man asks for a woman’s hand in marriage. The relative male needs to have that commitment from his female in order to be creative with her. He can’t have her walking off the dance floor half way through the dance… leaving him standing there - looking like an idiot. An employer can’t have his staff abandon a project before the contract is fulfilled – it’s not good business to let his client down… and in this case he is the relative female to his clients… he has made a commitment to them.
In a Tango, once you are on the dance floor you can’t withdraw your commitment. If you don’t feel comfortable you can resist but you can not withdraw your commitment – until the dance is over.
So, what have we done as relative females so far? We have gotten a “Feeling” and we have followed that… we have “Committed” to our male to co-operate in the manifestation of his creation… and now the dance begins… we begin to manifest our male’s creation. Now we begin to “Follow” our male’s lead using our “Feeling”. We feel his lead… and if it is good it feels like heaven…
When the man leads, or initiates a step, the woman will feel the impulse… feel where he is leading her to… and if it feels good she will take the step. But what if it feels uncomfortable? Well… then she must “Resist” taking that step.
So what is “Resistance”?
In the Tango… resistance is firstly providing weight for the man to push against… and this resistance ensures that he does not step on your toes. When a man steps on a woman’s toes, it means she has not provided the correct resistance – and as mentioned in a previous article (What is the role of the relative male in a relationship?) this is the only mistake the woman can make in the Tango. This resistance, in terms of a relationship, is making sure you don’t allow yourself to become a doormat for your male to walk all over. It’s making sure he respects you, your wants and your needs. It’s making sure he respects your “Feelings”, your “Intuition”… and it’s making sure that he doesn’t lead you both into trouble!
In the Tango, there is another kind of resistance… not just the kind that will prevent him from standing on your toes. If the man tries to make you take a step that will throw you off balance or tie your feet up in a knot, you should resist and not take that step. However, you do not stop dancing altogether… you are still “Committed” to dancing the Tango with him. When relating this to the role of the female in a relationship I like to call this form of “Resistance”: “Saying ‘No’ without saying ‘No’.”
What I mean is…you’re saying “No” to taking that step but you’re not saying “No” to the whole Tango – you are not withdrawing your commitment. You are still committed to dancing the Tango with your man… but you are not feeling good about the next step he is leading you into and so you resist taking it… but do not refuse to take it. You are giving him an opportunity to become aware of you ie.“Contain” you… and in so doing, he will alter his lead and put you into a step that feels good to take.
Here is where I ask the ladies to remember that the man takes a “No” – a rejection of his lead and a withdrawal of commitment – very personally, since he feels that his lead it is a part of him… and that “he” is being rejected. So saying “No” outright to your man can bruise his fragile ego… and we don’t want to do that now… because he may go off and sulk in a corner and never want to dance with us ever again.
So let me give you an example of saying “No” without saying “No”.
Let’s say your man asks you if you want to go with him to the movies tonight… and you just don’t feel like it… instead of answering “No… I don’t feel like it” you could say something like… “Babe, that sounds wonderful. But what if we just stayed home tonight and snuggled up in front of the TV, with a glass of wine… and who knows, maybe, we could even go to bed early…” and then give him that naughty little smile. You know the one…!?! You’re still committed to doing things with him… but you didn’t want to go to the movies tonight… you just said “No” without saying “No”. Learning to say “No” without saying “No” brings into play a feminine quality that, many have perhaps forgotten, is their most effective weapon in the female arsenal – “CHARM”
If you just say “No”, he might see that as you withdrawing your commitment to him… and so find some other lady to take to the movies. Do you really want your man taking some one else to the movies? In the Tango… if I ask a lady to dance and she says “No”… I move on and ask the next one to dance… and more often than not I will never ask her to dance again – because I feel she doesn’t want to dance with me ever. But if she is charming and says something like, “…perhaps later… my feet are hurting me right now.” She has said “No” with out saying “No”… she has let me know that she does want to dance with me but not right now… and that I should perhaps ask her to dance another time.
If you want our relative males – men - to learn “Sensitivity” and listen to us… be aware of our “Feelings” ie. “Contain” us - within them selves - …then the least we, as relative females – women - can do, is learn to exercise “Charm”. And, in effect… “Charm” is another form of “Sensitivity”. “Give unto others what you hope to receive!”
So, the role of the female – as we relate it to the role of the lady in the Tango – is to “Follow”… and in order to follow she needs to exercise three key aspects… “Feeling”, “Commitment” and “Resistance”… oh, and wear a good pair of dancing shoes. (But that’s for another Write Up)
I hope I have been able to give you a good understanding of the roles… however, I feel that in next weeks write up… when I explore how the relative male and relative female work together to be creative in their relationship, you will get an even better understanding of how dancing the Tango can bring you closer to having passionate and creative relationships in your life.
Now ladies… I am expecting - and hoping - that you will give me some feedback… tell me what you think… have I left anything out…? Have I stepped on some toes…? Let me know. And, guys… let me know if you think I’m making a good point here.
I would like to leave you with this thought:
“Every woman wants to dance…she’s just waiting for an invitation. Every man wants to have sex… he’s just waiting for an invitation.”